Sheriff Terry Brockman Profile Banner
Sheriff Terry Brockman Profile
Sheriff Terry Brockman

@SheriffBrockman

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County Sheriff - Survivor of external hemorrhoids - I'm currently on paid administrative leave for firing my gun inside a Burger King Playroom (parody)

Round Top, Texas
Joined July 2010
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
My wife Tammy and I love to role play in the bedroom. She'll play Sheriff and I'll play the drug mule with 2 kilos of cocaine up my ass.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
3 days ago
My neighbors know to ignore all gunshots coming from my yard and house. In fact if they don’t hear me firing a gun on any given day, they know something is terribly wrong.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
9 days ago
Happy Friday. Remember to drink in moderation, but if you must get blackout drunk, remember that I'll be right there with you, pissing my pants after 19 beers.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
29 days ago
It's Saturday. The fridge is fully stocked with PBR Tall Boys, my gun rack looks neat and tidy, and I've got 30 pre-rolled cigarettes. It's time to take my pants off.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
My daily equipment check before I get in my squad car? A 54-ounce cup of Diet Coke, 5 Snickers, and 5-10 fun-size bags of Doritos. Generally, that'll last me till lunchtime and then I'll have a cigar and another 54-ounce injection of Diet Coke to finish the day.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
Criminals are exhausting. I just chased a guy on foot for 20 minutes and tazed the hell out of him. Now I need a cigarette and a diet coke.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
Forgot the safety was off on my pistol, just about shot my dick off in this Cracker Barrel.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
Speeding tickets are virtually never necessary. I like to give a warning and smile, but if I smell marijuana in your car, you best believe I'm giving you a high-five. God bless America.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
I've had the runs for 3 days straight now. Does anyone have any home remedies for diarrhea? So far the PBR Tall Boys and KFC seem to be helping, but I'm not staying farther than 10 feet away from a toilet.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
I've got a belly full of PBR Tall Boys, I'd say about 9. I feel bloated, but boy do I feel like it's time to go to the gun range and shoot some targets. God Bless!
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
When I search a car, I'm looking for 3 things. 1) Marijuana or other drugs. 2) handguns 3) Ladies' lingerie. The last one isn't illegal, but honestly if I find it, it's a good night.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
a month ago
Remember that good friends, family and food are the 3-F's to a happy life. And if you don't agree I'll sprinkle on a 4th F, which is Fuck Yeah I'll change your mind, come have some Ribs with my family and friends!
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
2 months ago
Cold PBR Tall Boys are only $17.99 for a 24-pack?! I might load up the truck bed and fill my root cellar. I drink this stuff like water in the summer. I swear my blood alcohol content is a steady .15 for 3 months straight.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
3 months ago
I finished my first Tick Tock today. Am I doing this right? I'd like to see the teens and tweens try to compete with this.
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@SheriffBrockman
Sheriff Terry Brockman
3 months ago
I never really knew my father. He left when I was 7. Told my mother he was going out for a pack of cigarettes and 7 years later he left her. I raise a glass to all the dads, even the ones that leave and never come back. God bless!
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